


give a little, you've got plenty to spare

by soulfriend



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, Feelings Realization, Introspection, M/M, Repression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:55:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29573532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulfriend/pseuds/soulfriend
Summary: It takes Hawkeye going missing and being stranded behind enemy lines for BJ to realize the extent of his feelings for him.(aka Comrades In Arms from BJ's POV)
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	give a little, you've got plenty to spare

**Author's Note:**

> here we are. my first mash fic. the brainrot is officially terminal. enjoy

“I can’t sleep,” he’d said. “I keep expecting him to walk through the door.”

It was true. He hadn’t slept the entire time Hawkeye was missing. And now that he was back, BJ found that sleep still eluded him.

The emotions he’d felt the past two days were the strongest he’d felt in a while. It pained him to think it-- he should be feeling much worse about the daily terrors that came through this hellhole-- but he’d finally become numb to the blood, the death. This was a fresh terror, a new flavor of dread. Of course (as always), he’d pushed everything down in the moment. Because he’d needed to. Because if he’d let himself think about life without Hawkeye, he’d spiral out of control. But now that Hawk was home safe, he could let it all rush out. 

He hadn’t realized just how much he clung to Hawkeye when he was around, how much he  _ needed _ Hawkeye. He was BJ’s lifeline through all this. He didn’t know what he would do if he’d really… if he hadn’t come back. BJ couldn’t even bring himself to  _ think  _ the words  _ if he’d died _ . Now that it was over, he didn’t need to think about it. It would only serve to distress him more.

So he didn’t think about it.

BJ had felt Hawkeye’s absence in ways he didn’t even think he could. Every time he instinctively turned to him, reached for him, he was reminded that he wasn’t there, and his heart would sink a little lower. He missed his jokes, his gripes about the food, his singing in the shower, the constant, comforting sound of his voice in OR. His seemingly omnipresent touch. The sound of his breathing as they slept at night. When he’d awoken the next morning to Hawk’s empty bed, the pang in his chest was unparalleled. He didn’t see how he could possibly make it through all this without him.

And Charles. God, had Charles been absolutely unbearable through the whole thing. BJ didn’t previously think he was capable of the violent thoughts he’d thrown his way, but hearing him talk about Hawkeye in the past tense, before they’d even known what had happened to him, stirred up something new. And when Charles had hung up the phone to General Roberts, BJ was glad Potter was there, because otherwise there would have been nothing to hold him back from putting those muscles that had earned two varsity letters to good use. For the first time in a while, BJ was genuinely angry, and it felt good to not be so numb for once.

And when they’d all gathered round right before their return, insinuated things about what Hawkeye and Margaret were doing alone together behind enemy lines, BJ had played along. But it made him itch. He’d never felt this way when Hawkeye had messed around with the nurses before, but it bothered him to think of his friend and Margaret in that way. Margaret shouldn’t be the one to comfort Hawkeye when he’s afraid, when he needs someone to lean on. She didn’t even  _ like _ Hawkeye, didn’t deserve to be close to him like that. It should be him. It should be BJ holding him through the night, letting him cry into his shoulder, running a comforting hand through his hair. Placing a kiss to his temple.

BJ tried not to think about that, either.

Stealing the helicopter was one of the more reckless things BJ had done so far, but it was the only way he felt he could do something, the only way he could feel in control. The only way to play the role Margaret had taken his place in. And as they were flying around up there, desperately trying to tell the olive green of the uniforms apart from the homogenous color of the trees, BJ found it harder and harder to hold it all in. They had to find Hawkeye. They were going to find Hawkeye, because it was the only way BJ could stay sane. Existence without Hawkeye was impossible, unthinkable, so they were going to find him. Simple as that.

When they’d returned to the 4077th, BJ had carried Margaret in his arms, but only because he didn’t think he would be able to keep it together if he so much as touched Hawkeye. When he looked at him now, it was different from how he’d looked at him a mere two days ago. Seeing him with that bloody bandage around his leg, limping across the compound, it did something to BJ. It made him want to carry Hawkeye to bed, lay him down gently, fix him up, take care of him. But it also sparked an irrational anger in him. How dare Margaret let this happen to him? If BJ had been there, he would have protected him. He cares more for Hawkeye than Margaret ever could. If BJ had been there, Hawkeye would have emerged without a scratch. If BJ had been there, Hawkeye would be giving him subtle glances, not Margaret.

Later, in the Swamp, they’d had the conversation BJ had known was coming yet dreaded all the same. How was he supposed to give Hawkeye advice on his feelings when he couldn’t even sort his own out? How was he supposed to look him in the eyes, after two days of feeling for him in a way he’d never felt before, and talk to him about love?

“Sounds like maybe you felt something for her, and it scares you.” BJ had almost laughed at himself. Who was he kidding?

And Hawkeye had looked away for a moment, grinning to himself, a soft, reminiscent look in his eyes, and BJ knew he was thinking about Margaret, and for a moment he pretended that Hawkeye was thinking about him, just to see what it would feel like.

“What’s the worst that could happen? You have to admit she stirred something in you?”  _ Like you’re doing to me right now? _

“Give a little. You’ve got plenty to spare.”  _ Spare it on me. _

Hawkeye’s smile had been so bright he’d almost had to look away.

* * *

Later, when Hawkeye returns to their tent, he gives BJ a relieved look. BJ is just as relieved as him, if not more. If he’d had to deal with Hawkeye being involved with someone else just after realizing… what he’d realized, he didn’t know what he’d do with himself.

Hawkeye sinks onto his cot and sighs, starting to unbutton his uniform shirt. “Hey. Hawk.” The words come tumbling out of his mouth before he can have a choice in the matter. Hawkeye looks up and raises an eyebrow. BJ can’t think of anything more he could possibly say right now, so he just holds out his arms for Hawkeye to fall into.

He holds Hawkeye close, resting his head where his neck meets his shoulders, taking in the feel of his body, his musty smell, his breathing against his, all in a new exhilarating way. Memorizing it, just in case.

“You okay, Beej?” Hawkeye mumbles into his shoulder. BJ finally lets the tears fall.

“Yeah. I’m just glad you’re back.” He draws back, runs his hands down Hawk’s arms, resting them at his hips, Haweye’s hands at his elbows, just like they always do. Hawkeye stares at him through piercing blue eyes.  _ I love you.  _ He can’t bring himself to say it. He can barely even admit it to himself. So he settles for hoping Hawkeye can see it in his eyes.  _ I love you. Please don’t ever leave me like that again. _

Hawkeye nods. Message received. Or at least that’s what BJ hopes. “Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> if these two will not leave you alone and are causing you pain feel free to join me on tumblr [@samberto](https://samberto.tumblr.com) <3 also yes the pun was intentional


End file.
